Today was only my second attempt at low bar, so any advice is welcome.
Anderson squat
45×5
95×5
140 3×5
BP
45×5
65×3
85×2
90 3×5
Incline DB BP
25×6
30×5
35 2×5
FS
45×5
95 3×3
DB tri ext
30×5
35 3×8
SS: rot cuff 5lb/BPA
3×20
(DB) curls for the gurls
15 3×8
Good reads! All of my (minimal amount) followers should definitely go follow Dicy.
Late update from last week and today’s training.
I don’t feel like writing about it tho because I’m lazy.
Deadlifts were super fatigued seeing as they were after a tough 5×5 at 180 squats. Moved the bar a bit lower for squats too.
5/4/14:
S
45×4 paused
135×3
165×3
187×1
195×5
B
45×5
95×3
105×1
115×2
And some accessory stuff
5/12/14
S
45×8
95×4
135×2
165×2
180 5×5
DL
135×4
155×4
185×2
215 2×5
135 2×5
HI all! Things have been a bit hectic in my life and training.
I had to be moved out of my apartment by May 1 and I left for Atlanta on May 1, so needless to say, things were crazy. Since it was a work trip and not a vacation, it wasn’t really about making time to lift seeing as I was in Atlanta with no car and not enough money to go to gyms.
I did get the opportunity to train with Steve Goggins while I was there, which was awesome. I also got to meet a super cool internet buddy, Dicy. Honestly, I was nervous as sin. Not because I was lifting with a legend, but because my food was off and my body was run down, so I was scared about the numbers I was supposed to hit that day. Squats at 195×5 and a 115×2 bench were on the menu. Somehow I got the lifts! Squats were ugly and a tad high but I had also gone a couple days with lots of walking and no foam roller, so my body was really tight and there was only so much I could do before I lifted.
Now that I’m moved into my new place and have a regular schedule again, lifting will be back on track!
4 weeks out!
115×2
The idea of this post has been in my head for a long time but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let all of my feeling out in words. Especially since I’m not really a writer and I have a really hard time translating thoughts into coherent and readable posts.
So as most of you know, my relationship ended in December. I don’t think I ever talked about the how and the why – I just deleted all my posts and disappeared for a while.
I slowly got better but I had a false sense of how well I was doing. I did a lot of things wrong. I begged him to take me back. I word vomited reasons and “excuses” for my behavior. I promised to get better. I started my recovery in hopes of getting him back instead of doing it for myself. That was my biggest mistake.
During our relationship, I was basically two people. There was Anna and there was Depressed Anna – and the more I think about it, the more I believe I was suffering from some kind of bipolar depression. It’s scary how quickly my mood flipped and how terrible of a person I became. When I say I was a terrible person, I am not being self-deprecating; I was a monster.
The worst part is, I was so low, that his attempts to help only made things worse. I know he was trying his best to help but he didn’t understand how to and I didn’t know how to help him help me. When it was too late, I realized that we probably had about the same knowledge of depression and how to deal with it. I had no idea what or why this was happening and I felt lost. Hearing things like, “this isn’t you,” “you can get better,” “you’re not a terrible person,” etc. didn’t help because what most people don’t understand is when you’re depressed, you have a whole different mindset. It’s not the same as being sad. I know because I’ve been sad and I’ve been depressed. When you’re sad, you know that it’s temporary – that it’s just a bad day and there’s a potential for tomorrow to be better. When you’re depressed, you know it’s forever – it’s a bad day, it’s never going to get better, and you’re going to be that hopeless forever. The keyword there is know. Obviously looking back, that was wrong, as I feel better and I know it’s not forever. But when you’re in that pit of depression, the mind works in an entirely different way and a majority of people don’t understand how to deal with it. Honestly, it really sucked that the person I was head over heels in love with couldn’t make me feel better. It sucked that he didn’t understand how to deal with depression and it drove a wedge between us because everything he tried to do to help just made me feel worse. I am in no way blaming him or saying that he should have known how to deal with it. Depression is tricky and manipulative – it makes you believe things about yourself that aren’t true. Other people can see that they aren’t true, they try to tell you so, but all it does is make you feel worse because they’re lying to you. You know you’re stuck forever and there’s no hope for you, so when people say you can get better, it’s just like a giant slap in the face.
I am truly ashamed of my behavior during my relationship and the one thing I’m truly upset about is how he just accepted the way I treated him. I was truly a monster. Depression brought out the absolute worst in me and there was no stopping it. I was so insecure with myself and my life – I didn’t have friends and was incredibly jealous of him for having lifelong best friends that he could hang out with. Eventually I became so jealous of it that when he told me he was hanging out with a friend, my mood automatically flipped and there was nothing I could do to reverse it. There were so many times I made him choose me over hanging out with friends – that if he hung out with them, we were over. I don’t know the true reasoning behind this and I obviously know it was wrong, but there was nothing I could do about it in those times, and that is honestly really scary. I honestly can’t even tell you how many times I threatened to end the relationship or make him end it over completely stupid things. I put him through hell.
I think part of it was that this depression made me feel like I was a terrible person, but whenever I said I was a terrible person, he told me I wasn’t – that I was wrong. Well, being told that how you feel is wrong (even if it was wrong) when that is how you legitimately feel is awful. Instead of fighting it and trying to make me believe that I wasn’t a terrible person, it would have been much better to hear a simple, “I’m sorry you feel like that. It must be hard,” or something to that effect. Eventually, I just got sick of being “lied to” so I became the terrible person I “knew” I was. I became the master of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I thought so many negative thoughts and believe them that I made them happen.
People with depression need another kind of support. A kind of support that most people don’t understand or even see as support. We don’t talk about negative things for attention or to have it validated that we’re wrong. It’s not fishing for positivity. If I said I was a terrible person, I wasn’t looking to hear that I wasn’t. I said it because it was truly how I felt. I mean, how would you like it if you were feeling really happy and someone told you that you were wrong for feeling that way and you shouldn’t be happy? When I talked about how I felt, that was me being brave. I finally got the courage to say, “hey this is how I’m feeling” only for my feelings to be belittled and dismissed because I was “wrong.”
Eventually, we became toxic for each other. We fought all the time. We fought more than we didn’t. There came a point where he couldn’t tell me anything that was going on in his life because it would upset me. We couldn’t talk about the gym anymore because all my sessions sucked and he was making insane progress that just made me jealous. I couldn’t be happy for him or support him. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I actually couldn’t. Things were already really rocky for me in December. Even before the break up, I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t going to the gym. Then one day, we got in a massive fight and just didn’t talk for four days. It was finals week and I stayed off all social media in an attempt to maybe not completely bomb all my finals. On Thursday after my last final, I logged into Facebook only to find that he changed his relationship status to single. I found out that I was single through Facebook. My heart shattered and sunk so low. I had no idea we actually broke up and that was a terrible way of finding out. I pretty much knew one person who went to my school, who happened to be a guy. I couldn’t stand being alone anymore. I messaged him and told him that we broke up and I was not doing okay. I spilled everything about my depression. He told me we were hanging out Friday night and I was just happy to not have to be alone with my thoughts. My head was a scary place to be. Honestly, I was proud of myself for reaching out and asking for help. That was a really big step for me. On Friday morning, he messaged me and that’s when the begging started. He was being really thick-headed and not listening to a single word I said which just hurt so much. Eventually 5:00 came and that’s when I was supposed to meet D at the gym with his training partner. My first time at the gym in 3 weeks. I hadn’t eaten; when I walked my legs shook violently, I was incredibly physically weak. I didn’t even want to hang out anymore but I forced myself to go – I tried squatting and it went horribly. My knees caved in, I couldn’t hit depth, my legs were shaking because I was so malnourished and weak. I weighed 142 that day – 10 pounds less than I had at the beginning of December. But I was laughing. It felt good. Though he and I were still texting and I was getting nowhere. I had to go to the bathroom multiple times during the workout to cry. D and I went back to my apartment and watched a movie, then we just talked about lifting stuff, then watched a powerlifting documentary. He stayed over all night – I wasn’t tired at all. So we just hung out and talked. I stopped replying to M because I was getting nowhere and there wasn’t a point in talking anymore. All it was doing was making me more upset because he wasn’t even listening. Then D and I kissed. I’m not going to lie, it felt good to feel some compassion, because I sure as hell was not getting it from M.
And that’s where everything truly went downhill for the first time. M was pissed and told me he never wanted to talk to me or see me again, followed by many varieties of the word whore. I’m not even going to get into what happened after that because that would just be another 1,500 words, but let’s just say I did not handle the situation well at all.
That was the day I lost my emotional crutch. I couldn’t love myself, so I relied on his love, and when I lost it, that was my rock bottom. I successfully turned an amazing guy against me because I was so set in my depression. I moped around for a while but there finally came a time where something switched. I wanted to get better. It seemed like maybe, just maybe it was possible. I called my school and left a message to set up an appointment with a counselor. When they called back, I didn’t answer my phone, then got cold feet about calling them back. Then one day, I just did it. I picked up the phone, called them, and made an appointment for the following day. I did it. By myself. I made the first step to getting better. Granted, I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it so he would take me back, but it was still a big step.
I started going to counseling and it felt amazing to just talk about things and the way I was feeling without being belittled. I finally started lifting regularly again and I refused to let myself be afraid of failing. I started training for a powerlifting meet. I knew I was weak and my numbers wouldn’t be anywhere near what they should have been, but I had to compete. I put it off for far too long. Eventually, I became more confident in myself. I went to that competition by myself and did the best I could.
That meet was my turning point. That’s when I finally started to become excited about my future again. I met so many amazing and helpful people that day, I knew I had to compete again. To be honest, I think that meet saved my life. It gave me something worth living for. It gave me a reason to keep fighting and to become a better version of myself.
So now, I am recovering for me. I am fighting for myself. I am living for myself. And the person I love the most is me.
Anderson Squat
45 2×5
95×4
140 2×5
Bench
45×5
65×5
85 3×5
GHR
2×10
1×10 single band
2×10 double band
Pull up
-40 3×5
Close grip
45×5
65×5
85 2×5
Db bench
25×5
30 3×5
Db row
45 3×5
Side bend
45×5
50 2×5
Double Banded Anderson squats
45 2×5
95 2×3
First things first: I know my knees are caving in a bit in my squats. I’m working on it. I know I need to sit back more in my deadlift because my hips shoot up first. I know I can get into the position but I seem to pull myself out of it (I think I’m afraid of toppling backward). I keep my back straight though and my lockout is solid, which I’m happy about.
Squat
45×7
95×4
135×3
155×2
170 5×5
170×3 – oops I lost balance on the third set and had to drop the bar behind me
Ohp
45 5×5
DL
135×5
155×5
195×5
Deficit DL
135×5
145 3×5
Glute bridge
145×5
225 3×5
Shrugs
135×6
225 3×5
Db goblet squat
Focus on sitting in hole and exploding up
35 x numbers
I looked forward to this day since I started Smolov Jr. My bench has been stalled at 120 for so long! I kind of regret deleting my Fitocracy account because I would have been able to check the dates of me hitting 120, but it’s probably been about a year and a half. I’ve hit 120 three times but was never able to move up. Part of it was not really having my form set but most of it was in my head. Today was the fastest and smoothest 120 has ever gone up for me and after the lift, my spotter asked me what the heck I was worried about. 125 went up decently which was FINALLY a PR. Not even an after being sick and losing strength PR, but a real, all-time PR. And it didn’t even stop there. I went for 130. There’s no way in hell that lift would have been competition legal tho, lol. I definitely hit the bar too high up on my chest and it threw me out of position. Though, I did stay tight, which is why I was still able to push out the rep. It just feels so good to make progress again – Especially with a lift I haven’t had any on for a long time. I checked my ego with Smolov Jr. There were so many times I felt so strong during the program that I wanted to max out my bench, but I trusted the program, stuck with it, and maxed out after.
Now I just need to do that with squats and deads! I was getting stupidly greedy with them because I just wanted my old numbers back, so I just maxed out constantly. No more of that. I am sticking to my program and trusting that it will work.
Squats tho…It seems that as weight gets heavier, I get scared of depth (and also I can’t really sense depth) so my squats end up high. I know I CAN hit depth, as I hit it with no issue with lighter squats.
7 weeks out. 7 weeks to make massive gains.
Bench
50×5
50×5
70×3
90×2
100×2
110
115 – Lift I failed twice at my last meet
120 – Cleanest rep of 120 ever
125 – PR!!!
130 – MORE PR!!!
Squat
45 2×5
95×5
135×3
155×3
170×2
185×5 – these were a bit high
Pause squat
135 4×4 – 5 sec
Squat
135 3×3
Squat
45×5
45×5
95×5
135 2×5
Ohp
45 3×5
Barbell row
45×5
65×5
95 3×5
Lat pd
Held at bottom
60×6
72×6
84 3×5
Incline db press
25×5
30 3×5
Banded Pause squat
45×5
45×5
95 3×4
GHR
5×10
How it has worked for me:
Keto has been great. I have a very disordered past with eating and to be honest, I am not sure where the will power has come from. I used to struggle really hard when I cut carbs out but I haven’t had any issues on keto. My body feels good and my lifts are great.
How my energy levels have been:
My energy was complete shit before and I think it has improved a bit. It’s still not great, but I don’t think that has anything to do with keto at all.
How expensive the change is:
I don’t think it was much more expensive. If you’re someone who eats out a lot, it would get expensive because restaurants use carbs to fill people up, and getting a carbless dinner is pretty unsatisying. I’m also really bad at budgeting and I don’t pay attention to grocery money, which is dumb because I should.
My advice if it is feasible: when meat is on sale, stock up and freeze it. I just bought 10 pounds of ground beef and froze half.
I used to waste tons of money on junk food, so I’m pretty sure it all evens out.
Any adverse effects?
Not that I can think of. No strength loss. No low(er) energy levels.
Carbs and mood:
Carbs are usually the first comfort food sought. There’s scientific research that explains why this is but the most important thing to remember is that carbs are a very quick “fix.” Carbs can temporarily improve your mood but in the end, your mood crashes.
Medication:
I am currently on 20mg of Lexapro
How long I’ve been on Keto:
Almost a month. Gotta start somewhere.
If anyone has any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask. However, I am not in any way certified to give nutrition advice. This is solely how this has worked for me and since I am a unique human being, I cannot speak for anyone else, and what works for me may not work for others.
Squatting Unicorn 